I came home after an evening of watching the eclipse and jovial banter with my favorite special person. I decided to check my email one last time before I went to bed. I smiled when I saw the name of a friend in the "sender" column; a friend from whom I'd not heard since the New Year began. My smile quickly faded when I read the note and learned it was from her mother. My friend, Sandra, had taken her life January 19, 2008 and this was the first opportunity they'd been able to get into her computer.
It was incredibly thoughtful of Mrs. Rollins to email me this tragic news. How difficult it must have been for her to type those words. I've never met or spoken to Sandra's mother, but she must be an incredible person because in the midst of her grief for her daughter she was able to say something nice about me; mentioning that she knew Sandra had thought a great deal of me.
This news has shocked me to the core. I am still trying to make sense of the situation. Chiefly I am wondering how her 3 children are going to grow up without her. Her oldest daughter is about 17. She has 2 younger children who are probably 10 and under. ( I don't know the exact ages of her children because, like my own children, they were all adopted and some were older than newborns at the time of adoption so the exact ages are hazy in my mind).
I met Sandra in the early 1990s when my then-husband and I were taking the course to become adoptive/foster parents for Child Protective Services. Sandra and her husband were also taking the class and we met at a support group for parents of foster-adopted children. Sandra was 10 years younger than me, but we got along very well. I admired her ambition. She was attending classes at a local university, earned her degree in accounting, and then went on to pass the CPA exam. All the while she and her husband were active in the support group, entertained us in their home, visited us in our home, and became what I considered good friends.
Over the years we both added to our families through adoption, stayed in touch, visited when we could. We shared pictures of our children. We congratulated each other when there was cause for celebration and we listened to each other when there was a reason to vent or get another opinion. Most often we talked of issues pertinent to adoption and our dealings (not always pleasant) with CPS as we opened our hearts and homes to "their" children. She also spoke a great deal of her church and the pastor she truly liked and "related to".
Sandra continued to amaze me. She called one day to tell me she had gone back to school and was studying to be a nurse. I recalled thinking that Sandra would make an excellent nurse because she seemed such a nurturing, caring person. I gladly and without reservation often wrote reference letters for her when she was preparing to add to their family or was applying to return to school.
I was saddened during one phone call to learn she and her husband had divorced, but was happy Sandra sounded as though she had a bright future. She moved to a neighboring community and spoke of a job in the nursing field. Not unlike other families, she mentioned trials and tribulations she was experiencing raising kids, but I could relate well to that topic since my own children were now in their teen years or fast approaching.
One of the last times I talked to Sandra she called to tell me she was moving to Oklahoma where her mom lived. She gave me the address of a home she bought, passed along her new phone number, and again spoke of a bright future with a new job, new house, nearby relatives, and more.
And now I get this devastating news. My first instinct is to ask "why, Sandra?" But then deep inside my heart I know it isn't a question I should ask her. She obviously had her reasons. I do know this much.... for Sandra to have taken such a drastic approach she must have truly felt at the end of her rope. My heart is aching for the pain Sandra must have felt. My tears flow for those Sandra leaves behind who must make sense of such a non-sensical tragedy. My mind is trying to grasp how her young children will cope with this event given their ages. I am trying to understand how a mother must feel as she tries to pick up the shattered pieces and yet provide stability and a sense of continuity for her grandchildren. I am hoping Sandra's ex will set aside any remaining differences he and Sandra might have had for the sake of the children. And most of all, I am praying that Sandra is at peace from whatever heartache or demons she was facing.
Sleep peacefully, dear friend. You, those you loved, and those who loved you are all in my prayers.
Until another day.....
It was incredibly thoughtful of Mrs. Rollins to email me this tragic news. How difficult it must have been for her to type those words. I've never met or spoken to Sandra's mother, but she must be an incredible person because in the midst of her grief for her daughter she was able to say something nice about me; mentioning that she knew Sandra had thought a great deal of me.
This news has shocked me to the core. I am still trying to make sense of the situation. Chiefly I am wondering how her 3 children are going to grow up without her. Her oldest daughter is about 17. She has 2 younger children who are probably 10 and under. ( I don't know the exact ages of her children because, like my own children, they were all adopted and some were older than newborns at the time of adoption so the exact ages are hazy in my mind).
I met Sandra in the early 1990s when my then-husband and I were taking the course to become adoptive/foster parents for Child Protective Services. Sandra and her husband were also taking the class and we met at a support group for parents of foster-adopted children. Sandra was 10 years younger than me, but we got along very well. I admired her ambition. She was attending classes at a local university, earned her degree in accounting, and then went on to pass the CPA exam. All the while she and her husband were active in the support group, entertained us in their home, visited us in our home, and became what I considered good friends.
Over the years we both added to our families through adoption, stayed in touch, visited when we could. We shared pictures of our children. We congratulated each other when there was cause for celebration and we listened to each other when there was a reason to vent or get another opinion. Most often we talked of issues pertinent to adoption and our dealings (not always pleasant) with CPS as we opened our hearts and homes to "their" children. She also spoke a great deal of her church and the pastor she truly liked and "related to".
Sandra continued to amaze me. She called one day to tell me she had gone back to school and was studying to be a nurse. I recalled thinking that Sandra would make an excellent nurse because she seemed such a nurturing, caring person. I gladly and without reservation often wrote reference letters for her when she was preparing to add to their family or was applying to return to school.
I was saddened during one phone call to learn she and her husband had divorced, but was happy Sandra sounded as though she had a bright future. She moved to a neighboring community and spoke of a job in the nursing field. Not unlike other families, she mentioned trials and tribulations she was experiencing raising kids, but I could relate well to that topic since my own children were now in their teen years or fast approaching.
One of the last times I talked to Sandra she called to tell me she was moving to Oklahoma where her mom lived. She gave me the address of a home she bought, passed along her new phone number, and again spoke of a bright future with a new job, new house, nearby relatives, and more.
And now I get this devastating news. My first instinct is to ask "why, Sandra?" But then deep inside my heart I know it isn't a question I should ask her. She obviously had her reasons. I do know this much.... for Sandra to have taken such a drastic approach she must have truly felt at the end of her rope. My heart is aching for the pain Sandra must have felt. My tears flow for those Sandra leaves behind who must make sense of such a non-sensical tragedy. My mind is trying to grasp how her young children will cope with this event given their ages. I am trying to understand how a mother must feel as she tries to pick up the shattered pieces and yet provide stability and a sense of continuity for her grandchildren. I am hoping Sandra's ex will set aside any remaining differences he and Sandra might have had for the sake of the children. And most of all, I am praying that Sandra is at peace from whatever heartache or demons she was facing.
Sleep peacefully, dear friend. You, those you loved, and those who loved you are all in my prayers.
Until another day.....
2 comments:
Gena, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and can only imagine how hard this must be. It was very thoughtful of her mother to think of you and call and my thoughts will be with her family and you.
I am so sorry your friend committed suicide. I had a friend with 2 small children that did that 30 years ago when I lived in Baton Rouge and it has never left my memory. She was such a tortured soul. Perhaps your friend just couldn't cope anymore, Gena. It sure seems harder to do that in this day and time.
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